i went to the movies on saturday, i saw Hitch, not the best movie to see when your feeling the way i am, but it made me think, of course. Hitch was a guy who didn't submit to love but helped others find it. Then the girl that he's intrested in believes that all men are dogs, liars and just want to get in bed with you. both main character have had bad relationship experiences, or bad break ups, which caused the wall for love to ever come in. but in the end they find love in eachother... yada yada.... you know the story. anyway, i thought about how i used to be closed never giving to much but just enough to satisfy and no questions asked. i thought about all the games i've played on those that i've encountered. then i was sick of doing that, i made myself sick. i noticed my ways and how i hurt so many people and i didn't like it. so, i apologized, i changed and admitted to my wrong doings, i was at peace with myself. then to have a third change i put all of my heart, my soul, my emotions in to the greatest love of them all, and it was great. i felt that i could breath again, i went against friends & family on the biggest decision of my life because i believed in love, in forever and life time. as i thought life was going good in my eyes, yet i was feeling like a car trying to cross a broken bridge, the feeling was not mutual. the pain in my heart felt like no other, "its not about you, it about me" repeated over and over in my head, just trying to make it sound believable, trying to make it make me feel better and understand. see its situations like this that can change your whole life, your whole thought of what love is and how it works. you ask yourself  'do i want this because eventually i'll feel pain, its sounds too emotional and hard'  'it seems so much easier when there are no emotions involved'  'its easier to prepare yourself for the worst, that way there are no surprises.' This relates to the movie Hitch feels that way about love, he has been hurt before so why love? why go through all that trouble? instead he helps other guys, who look like they have no change in hell, to get the girl of there dreams. to Hitch he lives love every day of his life but in actuality he avoids it. he gives other guys the courage to step up to love because he is scared to himself. this reminds me of what the old me used to feel. i had my wall, my guards up, like i said i gave a little of me just enough to satifiy and held everything about me, all the emotions inside. Back to the movie in the end he doesn't want that anymore he wants to take the chance on love. he says something like 'thats what we do, we fall in to love because we believe we can fly, you make me believe that i can fly when i'm with you. i don't like you, i love you!!' ahhh, yea i know. it went something like that. what gets me is that he didn't give up. when the girl trys to drive away he jumped on the car and he fell cause she pressed on the breaks. i totally believe that but one question. what happenes when you fall? when you can't fly anymore and you fall face first to the ground? where do you go then? to me it seem so much easier to build the wall agian and bring in the guards. but really people this is what it all comes down to in my situation  KARMA!!

Valentines Day, wow okay so im a little late. but anyway, the morning of V-Day i felt like shit. no really i did. i just didn't want to get up and go to school. i gave rae her card, at 4:45a, and took her to work, cuz she has to be there by 5a. then i went to my morning class, 7:40a to be exact, fell asleep several times. my nxt class, PE Soccer, didn't start till 12p so i took the 9a bus home cuz my first class ends at 8:50. Since it was raining i didn't think we had class anyway cuz its outside. so, i got so excited cuz i had so much time to do what i wanted for rae. I sent "B-R-A-N-D-i" flowers, our friend who works with rae. Then i bought flowers and i prepared the casa. okay now pay attention cuz it might go fast. i picked rae up from work at 2:30p gave her one rose, pink, and said "who needs a dozen when one rose says it all." she replied, "what does it say?" -laughts- After i droped of Nick, the co-worker, we headed home. she walked up the stairs first and there were 4 yellow roses infront of the door. i said, trying not to smile "who gave you those? was it your friend, they're yellow?" she said "yay, my secret lover." -laughts- then i told her why don't you open the door, so she did. Behind the door was a trail of rose buds leading to a bear that had a rose, white and a card. It was in spanish, that card told her to follow the second path of rose buds that lead her to our bed room, on the bed was a yellow bag with a pink rose. in the yellow bag was a card, u kno more i love yous, that card told her to walk into the closet where there is more. in the closet there where more rose buds and big white bag with an orange and whti rose in it. she opened it up and there it was the green purse she wanted. dame im good. she so loved it cuz i matched her wallet. so yea, thats what i did. but let me tell you what she did.

she is good. okay so she had to go to school at 4p to 4:50p and she went after i gave her her gift.i pick her up at like 5p, we went home and someone knocked on our door and it was flowers for me from my mom. i called her to thank her, she thanked me for there gifts and she talked about everything thats been going on at home. it was great at that time my Valentines Day was going good. i notice that rae was texting someone, i mean i got her something and were was mine its already 6p. after i got off the phone from talking to my mom i forgot about my gift and was so humble. then she handed me a card, which said everything i've been wanting to hear and it said to go outside. wtf, okay i'll go outside, i opened the door and BAMM....... there was a bicycle outside our door. just as quick as i opened the door i closed it. i then when i opened it again i was so f*in shocked that she got me a bicycle. no im official a chico resident. everyone around here has a bike. wow and then i mad dinner we ate, visit BRANDi for a couple of mins cuz she was sad and i thanked her for her help in everything. she took pix of us. no not naked fully clothe.went home got extremely tired and went to bed at 10p. it was the best 1st Valentines Together we had ever had. and we didn't break up or i didn't have to go home, and we were not even at my aunts house exchanging gifts. i woke up the nxt morning and there she was, my life, my friend, my love.

"CHANGE" "CHANGE IS GOOD"!! This is what I've been hearing all week. When customers pay for their drink and pay me in coins they say "change is good" haha I respond "YES, yes it is" in the most annoying tone and grin to the side. Is change really good, renee? Are you happy of how things have changed? are you happy how you have changed? how life has changed? how your friends have changed? how RAE has changed? My answer: I don't know, a little bit, yes, yes, yes, ..... a little bit.........NO. *WARNING: TRY NOT TO THINK TO MUCH IN TO THIS BLOG ENTRY. HOWEVER, CONSIDER IT AND EVALUATE YOURSELF.

When I first moved here (chico) with you our love was an equal amound of RESPECT, DEVOTION, and AFFECTION. Three years ago we knew that we loved each other but we also knew that you cared, love and was devoted to me more then I was ever to you. Now, last night, and for the past 2 or 3 days I've noticed the tables have tured. You noticed it to, your said it and we both agreed that AFFECTION, AFFECTIONATE has little to do with our I LOVE YOU's. I know that you love me so so much but were is the affetion that i'm so use too. where did it go....I could think of so many reasons, so many conclusions of how this happened but it wouldn't be far. Your going through drastic changes and your soo happy. And im happy that your happy. Im glad that your loving yourself cause you deserve it. Then what am i here for? Why am i here if you have the friend to keep you company, the friend that you could have intimate thoughts, and tell her things that i didn't know of, the friend to take care of you cause i guess i don't know what im doing. i guess i don't know how to take care of you. I only know how to love you and be there by your side. Even that is no longer fun, being the one by your side. Instead im this trophy that you take don't from the shelves and dust it off cause you want everyone to see your accomplishment. Then when they all have gone there i am stuck on the shelf to collect dust all over again. For example last night when we went to go see the VM you introduced me to your friend who was in it "thats her thats Renee" you said. Then when we shook hands you said "okay, im don't with you, you could go back now" as you flapped your hand for me to leave like i was nobody. 3years ago I would have been by your side the whole time. We would have held hands and you could see the joy in our eyes. I guess that what i thought was going to happy. We paint the town colorful with our love.  But we don't even do that, i sit on my love seat by myself as you enjoy your company on the big couch. So, instead of telling you face to face i write it down cause its been killing me. these thoughts. i feel that i have cancer, a disease that is eating up my soul. Im so flooded up with emotions, you didn't even hear me cry last night. Maybe this is my way of reaching out to you or to others cause i feel so alone here that i just might reach out to another!! and the sad part.....who??who do i reach out to i have no one no friends, that i could just get out and go for a drive or walk since thats what they do around here. i don't feel compfortable around yours do be chillin with, without you there. im so so EMOTIONAL right now.

My sperm donor, birth father, whathaveyou, has been calling for the past week. WOW yea, i know and last night was the first time i was excited to answer his call. he sent me a card with a turtle on it. it was cool nothing big. he has been talking about coming to chico to visit me. so last night he asked how to get here and i told him but  i don't know.the last thing that i remembered about my father was that he's flakey. he made soo many promises said soo many things and hardly followed through. i just don't want to be disappointed again and again. it has been what?! 7 or 8 yrs since we actually had a conversation. i mean i saw him once my sophmore year in high school but it was short cuz he came to one and only one of my softball games. then i saw him my senior year at casa de fruita but it was from far away cuz i didn't want to talk to him. im trying not to be too excited but i was shocked and so was rae, who pointed out my facial expression when i recieved his call. it doesn't seem that long since we've talked cuz like Norman would let me know of stuff that was going on with our dad. And i don't want to be like Norman, i don't want to chase my dad for a relationship with him. i think about calling him but i get distracted and the feeling goes away. like when i came down to san jose for a day, i didn't call him, i called my family but i didn't think of him and i guess Norman told him i was coming down and he called me when i was in milpitas. adding up last nights call its been 4 times that my dad has called me. however, i don't know. here is the kicker and it makes me laugh so so much. ready........he doesn't know i'm a lesbian its funny i thought Norman would have told him but i guess not. And when he asked me if my "rommate" wouldn't mind him coming up here i was like "rommate" whoo!!?? i smiled and said ummm........na she would mind wait till he finds out. see thats the other side of me. i mean apart of me is like "after so many years why now? why are you calling me now? what is't that you want? what are you trying to accomplish or gain? i've been living in san jose for 22yrs and not once did you try to call but when you hear that i moved, you finally call? WTF!!??" apart of me is still angery but the anger doesn't consume me anymore, im just mad and i have every right to be made. i know coming out to him is not a big deal cuz who is he? just a "faded picture of a man i once knew" however, i was raised to respect your parents regardless of their wrong doings and to make them proud and i don't like that i feel that i don't want to disappoint him. ahhhhh.....huagggggg. "all kinds of hughs" i'm just being a cancer "EMOTIONAL"  LOL